25 to 52

What is age? What is beauty? What is serenity? What is happiness? Where does our self-confidence come from? The way we see ourselves has nothing to do with the face in the mirror and everything to do with the one we see in our minds.

The other day, I was looking for profile pictures for my future website and I stumbled upon an old picture of myself, aged 25.

As I looked at it, I felt engulfed by a huge wave of nostalgia and sadness.

I used to be quite pretty ... then.

I used to have the perfect figure, so perfect I was offered modelling jobs, several times. Why ever did I turn them down? It might have been something to be proud of, today.

My health used to be so vibrant and I took it for granted.

For a long moment, I felt the pain of this realization: My youth is behind me and never coming back.

But then, I started to remember other things.

I also remembered what it felt like to be me, when I was 25.

Yes, there was joy and spirit, a love of life and all its gifts and wonders. I was always curious, eager to learn and interested in people, places and ideas. So yes, I was happy, passionate and enthusiastic because life was like a wonderful buffet and I had a huge appetite.

An yet, behind this smile and in spite of this enthusiasm, I remember the deep insecurity I used to feel, the belief that I was ugly and inadequate and had to earn the love, the respect and the approval of others. I remember how often I said yes, when I felt like saying no and how many times I said no to myself, because what made my heart sing would have inconvenienced someone else. I remember all the times I looked at myself in the mirror and saw only the flaws.

I remember how often I thought I was not enough and therefore needed to do more, to prove I was worthy of love.

Then I looked at another picture, showing my 52-year-old self. I have lost my perfect figure, especially after this past year of forced inaction, because of the quarantine.

My face shows many lines etched by all the joys, all the sorrows, all the struggles I have experienced. But I also see someone who has overcome so many ordeals and learned along the way so much that it was all worth it. I see a woman who has gained huge self-awareness, who has learned to be self-reliant and who dares to choose what is best for her and to make more loving, courageous choices. I see a much wiser, much stronger woman, whose love and enthusiasm are not only intact but perhaps even greater than before and who knows she doesn't have to worry about fitting in or being accepted.

Indeed, even when I did my best to dim my light, to please others and to conform, I never did fit in. Now I know I was meant to stand out and be me.

But I also have a wonderful sense of belonging. I have found my people, my tribe of loving, caring, beautiful souls. I see, and I am seen. And I am no longer afraid of being seen for what I am.

Today, all I feel is gratitude, because I have no regrets and my life is filled with more beauty and joy than I ever could imagine.

Looking at myself and my life today, I realize that I've become the kind of person I used to admire and envy, when I was 25. I'm not a girl any more, but a woman.

And I want to tell my story, and many other stories, because writing was one of my biggest dreams, and now I know I have so much more to tell the world.

xxx