Stop trying to change others

Why you want to change others and why you shouldn't.

This is probably the biggest temptation of all, and the biggest mistake.

Once you start working on yourself, once you feel "enlightened", you might start thinking others should follow the same path.

Well, they shouldn't and you shouldn't try to make them.

When you feel that sort of temptation, what you should do instead, is question your motives for wanting to change someone.

In most cases, it just shows that your insecurities are still very much active and causing disruption in your life.

Wanting to change someone is wanting to look good, wanting to have some power over them, wanting to be needed, which only reflects your own neediness.

Family and good friends are a frequent target of unwanted advice. Most of the time, though, the unfortunate recipient of these not so well meaning attentions is your partner.

The idea that you can "heal" a man and make him eternally grateful is the number one fantasy of insecure women.

Men are not immune to it either. Behaviours like "mensplaining" come from the same need to "protect" and "look after" someone who would be completely lost without you.

In a book, it might look good.

In real life, a healthy, balanced person will most likely avoid the type of relationship where they would feel smothered, patronized or always criticized for being what they are and not wanting to change when you do.

We don't want to be someone's "project", so why should someone want to be ours?

Well, partly because we still have a lot of insecurity to deal with, partly because, it is very tempting to show-off, when you think you have all the answers and partly because it seems much easier to solve other people's problems than your own.

Sometimes, you can really help, but not unless you are specifically asked to do so.

Giving unsolicited advice means that people will not listen to it, even less do

what you suggest, and they might even resent your intervention.

"Consider how hard it is to change yourself and you'll understand what little chance you have in trying to change others." - Jacob M. Braude

You don't have the power to change another person.

And this is actually a good thing, because you don't know, you can't possibly guess what is good for them.

What works for you might not be the best solution for someone else anyway.

And even if it is, every person must make his or her own choices and experiences.

You have not learned from other people's experience. You might have read books or attended seminars but no lesson is properly learned until you apply any principle or idea and see how it works for you.Another reason why you shouldn't want to change people is because they are what they are for a reason. You attract the people who will teach you a certain lesson.

What you see in them is always a reflection of what you are.

All the qualities you admire and find attractive in someone else are the same as yours. Of course, you don't always realize it because you tend to be too hard on yourself. We all do that.

This is also true about people's "flaws".

Anything that irritates you in another person is also something that you do, even if you are probably the only one not to be aware of it.

The people who appear in your life and who display all the things you find unpleasant are there to help you realize you too are selfish, aggressive, lazy, controlling, needy, anything that makes you react.

If it provokes a strong reaction, it means it is something you refuse to admit to being or having yourself.

Have you noticed that when you accuse someone of being aggressive or rude, for instance, they often reply with the same criticism?

Have you noticed how you immediately react by denying indignantly what you are being accused of?

Feeling defensive is a sign that there actually is some truth in what is being said.

When you are able to admit that you are indeed rude, sometimes, and even to apologize if necessary, you are already making progress.

It means that you are evolving toward being a nicer person and that you will also attract nicer people.

"All the advice you ever gave your partner is for you to hear." - Byron Katie

If you change, you might find that you no longer have anything in common with the people who used to be close to you.

At first, this seems very scary, because we all resist change. We are afraid to leave what we know but it only means leaving something that is no longer good to receive something better for you.

Some people may leave your life, or you might even be the one who decides to go.

But then, you will meet other people with whom you will feel comfortable without having to change them.

"As you grow older, you attract people who are on your wavelength and who understand who you are." - Marisa Berenson

xxx